Ok, I'm Listening Now

For the past month, my heart has been heavy and my mind full of worry, doubt, frustration, disappointment and hurt. I have kept these feelings inside, only sharing bits and pieces of my sadness with Tim or through email and phone with family and close friends. But, I've never been full able or willing to share all that I am feeling. It's just too much sometimes.

Yesterday, I had to go to a baby shower for a friend. I was feeling anxious because I didn't want to face my feelings. But as much as I was resistant, God knew I needed to be there. Not only for my friend, but because He has been trying to get my attention for the past month now, and I've done everything I can to ignore it. I've not been listening.

My friend has had infertility troubles of her own and before her shower, she got up and shared her testimony of how important it is to be faithful to God - in good times and bad - and that he knows the desires of your heart. And how important it is to give your pain and joy up to God - for he can carry it better than we can and he always has a plan.

I know that that has been said a lot. "God has a plan." I know this to be true, but I don't walk with this belief. In fact, I've been actually thinking, "Some rotten plan, God. Thanks a bunch." I've been very ungrateful and unappreciative of his plan for me. In my opinion, I think it stinks.

But here's what I've been missing - he does absolutely have a plan for me and I've been spending all this time down here trying to do my own thing and make my own life, when truly, his plan is better than anything I've got in mind. I have had such a hard time giving up control to him and just saying, "OK, you've got this one. Because I don't." And he used my time yesterday at a baby shower, so close to that source of pain, to finally get me to listen and say, "Jess, I'm going to take care of you and I have a perfect plan. Trust me."

I've never been one to say I have experienced a "Godly" moment...like a vision, or encounter with an angel, etc. I'm most often to practical for that. But I have no way to explain what happened when I got in my car after the shower to go home last night. I went to plug in my iPod for the road trip home and it started right up as soon as I plugged it into the aux cable outlet in the car. The song that came on was four songs ahead on my playlist from where I left off when I arrived at the shower...and it happened to be the song "For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Reliant K, a Christian band that Tim introduced me to when we started dating.

Now, if you don't know this song, it means nothing. But the lyrics go something like this:

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands

I got the message loud and clear. I'm listening now. It's out of my hands and time to give up that control to the one who is always in control...because clearly my path isn't working. I finally get that I need to stop underestimating the power of God and all that he has in mind; he does know what he is doing as much I think that it isn't making any sense. It is so clear to him.

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" -Matthew 19:26